A Very Harry yeary: Musical turned Parody
by Procrastinater
Summary: A spell is cast over Hogwarts to make them all sing. Doesn't sound too bad, right? wrong! Durmstrang and beauxbatons are back, and there's a suprising new DADA teacher
1. back to school

A Very Harry Year…y: A HP Musical

Disclaimer: I own nothing. This means I don't own the rights to characters used AND I don't own the rights to the songs used

A/N: this story takes place in no particular HP year. All the best characters are in the third year, so I'll just say this is an alternate (fanfic) edition of his Third year.

It was Going to be a new year at Hogwarts for the trio. There would be a new defense against the dark arts teacher, and Harry had heard from Dumbledore himself that something special would be happening on Halloween this year. He was on the Hogwarts express with Ron and Hermione talking about their pleasant summers. Even Harry's summer had been good. After all, he had spent it at Hermione's house, where he had never been before. And to say the least…Harry and Hermione were…closer this year. During their conversations, Harry had his arm over Hermione's shoulder, but a while into their conversation, they started hearing music from another compartment. They started to investigate the source, but eventually had to give up to put on their hogwarts clothes seeing as how the train was arriving at Hogwarts soon.

But there was more time before the train arrived at Hogwarts and four house elves suddenly came into the compartment.

Elf #1: Are you Harry Potter and Company?" he said

Harry, Hermione, and Ron: "yes" they said

All Elves "We have a message for you" they said and cleared their throats and broke into song.

All Elves "oompa-loompa-doopidy-doo, we've got our first riddle for you"

Elf #1: "what do you get when you are in a…school?"

Elf #2: "And there is a spell at hand for you to get…through?"

Elf #3: "Then it would be smarter for you not…to…duel"

All Elves: "The person who wants to duel will soon appear. And when that happens, all will become clear….doopity-doo" they sing and disappear.

The trio was left very confused, but they eventually moved on since the train stopped at that moment. The compartments opened and the familiar sight of Hogwarts greeted them Harry smelled Magic in the air and then-_wait_, he thought. _I have never smelled magic as literally as this before. Something must be up._ Well, anyway, he saw Hagrid and waved at him and greeted him before taking the horseless carriages to the castle where he took a seat at the Griffendor table and waited for the first years to come in. Before they came in though, professor McGonagall announced that the hat had failed to make up a song this year due to singer's block (hey! We all get it every few centuries! Besides, it's mad hard for the author to make a song for the hat), but the hat would be sorting the first years nonetheless. The students then went on to eat, and after eating, Dumbledore made an announcement

"Allow me to introduce you to your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. He has the ability to transform into other people (like Tonks. I forget what she said the ability is called), and the amazing ability to sing. Please welcome… Mr. Meine. He has requested to be known as mister instead of professor by the way. And now, for his amazing ability to sing." He said as the teachers cleared the teacher's table and brang it to the side of the great hall.

The wall behind the teacher's table disappeared and silhouettes were visible. They began to play the intro to the song rock you like a hurricane, and suddenly the lights focused on them and the band the scorpions were visible…except for Klaus Meine, who was so short he was almost microscopic, and so they started singing.

It's early morning  
The sun comes out  
Last night was shaking  
And pretty loud  
My cat is purring  
And scratches my skin

So what is wrong  
With another sin  
The bitch is hungry  
She needs to tell  
So give her inches  
And feed her well  
More days to come  
New places to go

I've got to leave  
It's time for a show

Here I am, rock you like a hurricane  
Here I am, rock you like a hurricane

My body is burning  
It starts to shout  
Desire is coming  
It breaks out loud

Lust is in cages  
Till storm breaks loose  
Just have to make it  
With someone I choose  
The night is calling  
I have to go

The wolf is hungry  
He runs the show  
He's licking his lips  
He's ready to win  
On the hunt tonight  
For love at first sting

Here I am, rock you like a hurricane  
Here I am, rock you like a hurricane  
Here I am, rock you like a hurricane  
Here I am, rock you like a hurricane

After the performance, the students applauded, and Klause Meine took a bow. He then opened a tin case of altoids "hey kids. Have some altoids. They're the closest thing to cocaine" he said and pelted altoids at students leaving the grand hall, some of who were very confused by this new teacher.

"Oh yes, and before you all leave" Dumbledore announced and the children stopped walking "we will be celebrating Halloween a lot more openly this here, and I'll be organizing a big event that will surely be remembered. You may leave now," he said and the students left. Malfoy caught up with Harry in the hall soon though and randomly challenged him to a duel. Under any other circumstance, Harry would have gladly accepted at any other time, but remembering the elves song, he declined. Leaving a disappointed and angry Malfoy behind, Harry went up to his common room, where he found the elves on his bed, ready to give him another "message."

Please Review my story

About some of the jokes: For whatever reason, one day my friend, who is a fan of the scorpions asks "hey, guess how tall Klause Meine is" and I asked how tall, and he put his pointer finger and thumb finger very close to each other to show that it was a measurement and said "that tall" and for some reason, we always talk about that.

-The altoid joke- The same scorpion addict friend is a big fan of altoids and always has a case with him. He likes joking that it's cocaine. He also throws some at random people. A lot of this friend is being shown in this story, because, honestly…he's crazy Oo.

about the songs: the elves sing a variation of the oompa loompa song, and rock you like a hurricane is by the scorpions in case you want to look into it for whatever reason.


	2. Hermione's odd actions

A Very Harry Year…y: A Hogwarts Musical

Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did, I would be writing this for more than one fan.

A/N: This update is brought to you so soon due to the fact that this musical is on Inuyasha'sGirl's favorite list…even though she has like…80 other favorites. Also, I'm turning this from a musical into a parody because it's too hard to think of songs

No sooner than Harry walked in did the elves wait to start singing.

All Elves: "oompa-loompa-doopidy-doo, we've got our second riddle for...you"

Elf #1: "we'll give something that looks really…rad"

Elf #2: "It is your gift for not turning Draco into poo."

Elf #3: "It is something from your dead…dad"

Elf #4: "This is my first line all…alone"

All Elves: "oompa-loompa-doopidy-da

Elf #1: "Let us explain this gift…to…ya'"

Elf #2: "I can't believe he...just…said ya'"

Elf #3: "He said it because ya is another way to say…you"

Elf #4: "but we are lazy and this is my second line"

All Elves: "oompa-loompa-doopidy-doy"

Elf #1: "now we will get…straight to the point"

Elf #2: "These goggles will protect from the spell…on…hogwarts"

Elf #3: "and he just messed up the rhyming scheme"

Elf #4: "I bet I only get three lines because I'm black"

They all look at the fourth elf strangely; whom they notice is sporting bling and a hoodie that had the Hogwarts crest on it. He smiled because he was being looked at, and showed gold teeth.

All Elves: "doopity-doo" they sang and disaperated.

Harry dorkily put the goggles on, and did a pose in front of the dormitory mirror, which showed the same Harry, except muscular. Harry smiled at the muscular form of him until he noticed writing on the mirror that said "warning: objects may appear hunkier than they are" and after reading this, Harry frowned at went to sleep with his Goggles on.

Harry woke up the next day and groggily made his way to the grand hall for breakfast. He saw Hermione and Ron arguing about something and joined their conversation "Toast you say? Never! He does not want your money." Ron said

"Bah! Toast means nothing without mangos! This…**all** walruses know! He wants the money for mangos! Mangos" Hermione said

"What the hell are you talking about?" Harry asked

"Never mind. It's stupid." Hermione said

"I expected much if you're talking about mangos, toast and walruses." Harry said

Hermione glared at him for a minute and changed the subject; "there's a Hogsmeade trip today. I was hoping you would come with me…alone" she said blushing.

"Sure. I'd like nothing better than to be alone with you" he said and kissed Hermione's cheek, making her blush even harder.

Even though it was only mid morning, they went to Hogsmeade early, holding hands the whole way. When they arrived at Hogsmeade, they saw a shop for lease and a phone number to contact to lease it.

"Weird. They have a phone number…in the wizarding world…and I have a cell phone with me and weird desire to call them as a joke" Harry said grinning evilly.

Usually Hermione would have objected to this idea if Ron had presented it, but instead, she giggled and played along. Harry called the number.

"Hi. I'm standing here in Hogsmeade looking at a shop for lease, and I'm interested in leasing it" he said

"Let us take down your name and number please," a female operator asked

"My name is Brian O'Connor and my number is -" he said

"And your reason for leasing the shop?" the female voice asked

"Well…I'm thinking of starting my own little business, and Hogsmeade is always popular, so I think it would be a really good benefit for me to open up shop here" he said as Hermione stifled a laugh. She was obviously trying her best not to crack up.

"Ok Mr. O'Connor, we'll put your name down and contact you at a further date." She said

"All right. Thank you and have a nice day," he said

After hanging up, Harry and Hermione cracked up and after a good laugh, Hermione put her arms around Harry and kissed him "I love you" she said

"That's kinda sudden, but I'm not complaining" he said kissing her back

Hermione giggled, "That's one of the reasons I love you. You're always funny." She said "and you have a great ass" she said groping his ass

"Oh my Hermione. I never imagined you thought that way about my ass, but while we're on the subject of asses, I like yours too" he said lamely and groped her ass.

The two snogged for a while and then returned to Hogwarts where they met Ron coming out of the Grand hall with all the other students that didn't go to Hogsmeade.

"Err…what happened?' Harry asked

Ron just smiled and said, "It's a surprise. Dumbledore sure wasn't joking when he said he was doing something special for Halloween…well the school year in general really, but just wait for tomorrow. Be in the Grand Hall early for a good seat" he said and ran for the common room leaving Harry and Hermione confused. They walked to the common room and snogged until it was a good time to go to sleep. They expected a lot out of tomorrow. After all, everyone was insisting on keeping it a secret.

A/N: My name is Brian O'Connor and I just like including myself. The phone number is all asterisks to protect the innocent, but the number isn't Harry's

About the Jokes: -the goggle jokes- I saw the goggles from the remake of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory in hot topic, and now I'm obsessing over them…besides, they look cool in a funny and dorky way

-Any racist joke- sorry if you're offended…but deal with it dammit.

-Jokes you don't understand-Don't even try understanding my true randomness such as the toast conversation

-The leasing call- On a field trip to Massachusetts, my friend called a leasing company's number from an add we saw, and had a very similar conversation that Harry had. I was cracking up.


	3. Be Our Guest

A Very Harry Halloween

Harry woke up early the next day anticipating what would come to happen in the Grand Hall that day. On his way down to the Grand Hall, Harry asked other students what was happening, but they still refused to talk. Harry couldn't help but think that no other secret in history had been kept so well. Harry arrived in the Grand Hall, noticing that no one else was there, and ate breakfast. Hermione came and sat next to him, getting deeply into reading rather than eating. It appeared she had returned to normal. Harry even started wondering if their make out session had really happened.

"Err…are you going to eat at all?" Harry decided to ask to try and make conversation.

"Why eat when…" she began asking, relieving Harry and making him officially assured that he had simply imagined things yesterday. "We can make out!" she finished her sentence and threw the food off the table, threw Harry on the table, and started kissing him like a madman…or in this case, madwoman

After nearly getting her tongue lodged in Harry's throat, she stopped kissing him and started throttling him "tell me I'm pretty!" she practically shrieked, and grabbed his groin as a sign that he better do as he's told

Confused, horney, and feeling slightly violated, Harry somehow managed to get a more than good response "you're more than pretty. You're the most beautiful girl ever."

"Oh Harry. I love you more than anything" she said with the sweetest smile ever, and kissed him sweetly before taking her seat. No sooner did she sit down, that everyone came into the Grand Hall. It was almost as if Hermione knew exactly when everyone would come.

Neville came by Harry first and oddly looked at Harry "err…Harry. Why are you laying on the Gryffindor table surrounded by thrown around food?" he asked

Harry looked around him, seeming to just notice the thrown around food and plates. Harry quickly mumbled something that sounded like "Hermione" but simply replied, "your guess is as good as mine" he said with such a confused look, that Neville believed him.

After Neville took a seat, Harry got off the table and into his own seat. While the other students ate, Hermione held his hand under the table, and rested her head on his shoulder, making over lookers assume things about the two of them. After everyone finished eating, Dumbledoor stood up, preparing to make an announcement.

"It has been brought to the attention of many of you that…Durmstrang and Beauxbatons is visiting us again this year, and that they will be making their grand entrance now" he said waving his hand to the door of the Grand Hall, which magically opened, revealing the Durmstrang champion candidates from last year. They made their grand entrance by rythmatically hitting their magical staffs on the ground, making sparks as they did so. Then the Beauxbatons champion candidates made their entrance by simply showing off their beauty. After they were done they took their seats at the Ravenclaw and Slytherin tables.

Dumbledoor then cleared his throat loudly for attention and made another announcement "We've all seen them show off before, but now, it is our turn" he said and flicked his wand. Everyone started feeling a tingling feeling in their necks. Harry noticed the glint in Dumbledoor's eyes and knew there was more to the spell he just cast than he was going to let the students know. And with that thought, every Hogwarts student started singing.

Dumbledoor:  
Ma chere Mademoiselle, it is with deepest pride  
and greatest pleasure that we welcome you tonight.  
And now we invite you to relax, let us pull up a  
chair as the dining room proudly presents -  
your dinner!

Be our guest! Be our guest!  
Put our service to the test  
Tie your napkin 'round your neck, cherie  
And we'll provide the rest  
Soup du jour  
Hot hors d'oeuvres  
Why, we only live to serve  
Try the grey stuff  
It's delicious  
Dubledoor:  
Don't believe me? Ask the dishes  
They can sing, they can burp  
After all, Miss, this is Europe  
And a dinner here is never second best  
Go on, unfold your menu  
Take a glance and then you'll  
Be our guest  
Oui, our guest  
Be our guest!

All:  
Beef ragout  
Cheese souffle  
Pie and pudding "en flambe"

Dumbledoor:  
We'll prepare and serve with flair  
A culinary cabaret!  
You're alone  
And you're scared  
But the banquet's all prepared  
No one's gloomy or complaining  
While the flatware's entertaining  
We tell jokes! I do tricks  
With my fellow candlesticks

All:  
And it's all in perfect taste  
That you can bet  
Come on and lift your glass  
You've won your own free pass  
To be out guest  
If you're stressed  
It's fine dining we suggest

All:

Be our guest! Be our guest! Be our guest!  
Get your worries off your chest  
Let us say for your entree  
We've an array; may we suggest:  
Try the bread! Try the soup!  
When the croutons loop de loop  
It's a treat for any dinner  
Don't belive me? Ask the china  
Singing pork! Dancing veal!  
What an entertaining meal!  
How could anyone be gloomy and depressed?  
We'll make you shout "encore!"  
And send us out for more  
So, be our guest!

Dumbledoor:  
Be our guest!

All:  
Be our guest!

Dobby:   
It's a guest! It's a guest!  
Sakes alive, well I'll be blessed!  
Wine's been poured and thank the Lord  
I've had the napkins freshly pressed  
With dessert, she'll want tea  
And my dear that's fine with me  
While the cups do their soft-shoein'  
I'll be bubbling, I'll be brewing  
I'll get warm, piping hot  
Heaven's sakes! Is that a spot?  
Clean it up! We want the company impressed  
All:  
We've got a lot to do!  
Dobby:  
Is it one lump or two?  
For you, our guest!  
All:  
She's our guest!  
Dobby:  
She's our guest!  
All:  
She's our guest!  
Be our guest! Be our guest! Be our guest!  
Dumbledoor:  
Life is so unnerving  
For a servant who's not serving  
He's not whole without a soul to wait upon  
Ah, those good old days when we were useful...  
Suddenly those good old days are gone  
Ten years we've been rusting  
Needing so much more than dusting  
Needing exercise, a chance to use our skills!  
Most days we just lay around the castle  
Flabby, fat and lazy  
You walked in and oops-a-daisy!  
All:  
Be our guest! Be our guest!  
Our command is your request  
It's been years since we've had anybody here  
And we're obsessed  
With your meal, with your ease  
Yes, indeed, we aim to please  
While the candlelight's still glowing  
Let us help you, We'll keep going  
Course by course, one by one  
'Til you shout, "Enough! I'm done!"  
Then we'll sing you off to sleep as you digest  
Tonight you'll prop your feet up  
But for now, let's eat up  
Be our guest!  
Be our guest!  
Be our guest!  
Please, be our guest!

Many students were confused of the fact that they had just sang. After they quieted down a bit, Dumbledoor gave them another few words "there will be another announcement at lunch. Be sure to be here. There sure will be a lot happening this year" he said and once again…Harry couldn't help but notice his eye twinkling…Or atleast he would notice it if Hermione hadn't started randomly kissing him. And so little by little, the students exited the Grand Hall, going about their business, anticipating the announcement at Lunch.

A/N: not too many jokes in this chapter. Most of it is the single song from Beauty and the Beast entitled "Be our Guest"

-One joke I did use was a bipolar Hermione. The idea just came to me. I found it funny.


End file.
